Edible/Audible – If Your Favorite Band Was a Food . . .

Nate Kox:

Here is something that keeps me up at night: which food is the culinary equivalent of a certain band or artist? After some intense research involving the Large Hadron Collider and a twelve year, double-blind study, here are some of my findings.

Vampire Weekend: Grilled Cheese Sandwich
Both are inexplicably comforting, and both can be made by pretty much anyone. Vampire Weekend sound like a bunch of kids fooling around with Garage Band, slapping together words that kind of rhyme, and somehow thinking that this makes them intellectual versions of Paul Simon. Despite that, it’s almost universally accessible, easily digested, and inexplicably delicious.

Dire Straits: Fish and Chips
Conventional, stripped down, gritty, greasy, crispy, juicy, edgy yet tender, working class, and the perfect prelude for passing out in the back alley of a pub. Although I cannot vouch for this, it would probably also be good for debriefing after a football riot.

Red Hot Chili Peppers: Microwavable Burrito
Within their career, within a decade, within an album, and even within a song, they can alternate between riffs that are boiling-lava hot and remaining cool and unaffected by the chaos surrounding them. They are a composite of many textures, ingredients, and even of cultures, and most notably, are something that could only come out of LA. Also fits nicely into a tube sock.

Aerosmith: Captain Crunch
Guitar work that can shred the roof of your mouth, but produced with enough refined carbs to send you into insulin shock, and augmented with an extensive list of chemicals that you can’t even begin to pronounce.

The Mars Volta: Pad Thai
An assortment of spicy things thrown together, tossed around in a wok of sizzling chili oil. Bland and low quality imitations appeal to hipsters. The distinct flavor initially puts a lot of people off, and you either grow to love it or bury your head in the sand and pass it off as something strange and foreign.

Billy Joel: Lamb Kebab
Despite being way more awesome (what’s better than grilled meat on a stick) and much more flavorful than your average steak any day, it will always be perceived as a little strange (The Stranger?) and not quite as cool as its counterpart, no matter how hard it tries, in both flavor and delivery. Unfortunate.

The Ramones: Kool-Aid
Really simple, minimal ingredients. There’s nothing not to like because there’s barely anything there.

Lou Reed: Thin Crust Pizza with Anchovies
A phenomenon that has its epicenter in New York City. Some people love it, but I really don’t get it.

Pearl Jam: Leftovers
It conjures up a variety of moods, all laced with either nostalgia or bitterness. Good music for being in a hurry, good for being sad and lonely, or when you just need some music that’s in the fridge. The instrumentals sound more like classic rock, like yesterday when you had the energy and incentive to prepare good quality food, but Eddie Vedder’s vocals sound more contemporary, like today, when you’re just too damn tired to use anything but the microwave.

The Eagles: Turkey Sandwich w/ Avocado
A bland staple that everyone can agree upon, with a slight Californian flavor. Overplayed and available everywhere. I guess that by association, you could say that Don Henley is guacamole and that Joe Walsh is a steak and avocado sandwich.

Coheed and Cambria: Passover Sedar
It makes perfect sense if you know what the story behind it is, but, if like most of the world’s population, you don’t know why the hell you’re supposed to eat bitter herb, unleavened bread, and a lumpy, fruit-and-nut paste. There are also many vague references to being the chosen one and to a very protracted journey home.

Beirut: Tabbouleh
Vaguely ethnic, and probably good for you.

Rise Against: Eggplant Vindaloo
No animals were harmed in the making of this angry, angry food.

Kenny G: Straight Barbecue Sauce, Eaten With a Spoon
Try to eat a whole bowl of it, and you will have an awful experience. The first bite is tangy, has soul to it, and hints at potential, but after that, it’s repetitive and disgusting.

Atari Teenage Riot: Boiled Boot Leather
It’s not actually food, but you can eat it, just like Atari Teenage Riot is not music, but people still listen to it.