UCSB Men’s Distance: Team Ecuador Sh*ts on Team Brown and Team White

Zak Weinberg:

UC Santa Barbara Track and Field’s Julian DeRubira led team Ecuador to an intersquad challenge victory last Saturday at Ben Brown Invitational. DeRubira, known for his fixie good looks, Scott Smith, future ex-husband to this woman, and Waleed Totari of the former Ottoman Empire picked teams of 6 male 5k runners, and agreed the team with the fastest combined time would win the friendly challenge.

In a seemingly safe decision, Veteran Smith picked ex-teammates and UCSB Alumni Mike Powers and JD Krawczyk. However what seemed a secure pick quickly turned sour as former all-american Krawczyk toed the starting line 50 pounds overweight and Powers, also an All-American, claimed he would be happy to break just 16 minutes for the 5,000 meter race. Rounding out Smith’s team White, later termed team O.A.F – old as fuck - was redshirt freshmen Charles Magginis, 5th year Eric Ardall aka the condor, and freshmen Nate Cox.

Totari led team Brown with a 14:36, beating DeRubira of team Ecuador by one second, setting up team Brown with what could have been a team title. Rounding out the most diverse team, with the exception of the token white Spencer Doolittle, were Zak Weinberg and Andrew Pilavjian, survivors of the Jewish and Armenian genocides, Guatamalan foreign exchange student Juan Paredes, and African Bhavik Kanzaria.

When asked about his shocking lost to Totari, DeRubira claimed he couldn’t see anything for the last two laps due to forgetting his hair band. “With the rain, my beautiful brown hair was in my eyes, and I literally couldn’t see anything the last two laps. I had to race entirely off of the stench of Waleed’s unwashed uniform.”

Rounding out DeRubira’s team was freshmen Kenneth Raedel, Doug Funny, former competitor on Survivor Andrew Dixon, Anthony Masci, and former olympian Ruth Wysocki.

The first heat of the 5k race looked promising for Smith’s team White, as Smith finish with the fastest time of the meet at 14:18, and Power’s managed a 15:10, 50 seconds faster than expected. The second heat however set team White back as Krawczyk dropped out before the two mile mark. In the same race, Eric Aardal of team Ecuador came through big with personal record of 14:55, burning down his last mile in an insane 4:36 (that’s faster than Waleed Totari’s mile PR). Raedel, of team White, finished in 15:07, but was probably capable of sub 14:50. “I don’t really try in races. I need to run slow so Pete [UCSB head coach] doesn’t make me a 5k runner.” In all reality, Raedel misses his BFF Tyler Brady, who literally threw up a 3:53 in the 15oo earlier in the meet.

During the 3rd heat, with team White out of the race, team Brown leveled the playing field with team Equador. Kanzaria had a breakout performance of 15:00, while Magginis ran a solid 15:17. With victory in sight, Weinberg and Parades of team Brown faultered running a 15:28 and 15:37 respectively.

Spencer Doolittle, the last hope for team Brown, won the 4th heat in a 15:18, but was 3 seconds shy of the 15:15 needed to secure the victory.

Team Brown’s loss can be blamed entirely on Weinberg and Parades. Weinberg argued, “I was in the wrong heat. It was way too fast. I definitely could have been more competitive in a slower heat.” However, meet officials would not allow Weinberg to race in the women’s heat, on the grounds that a mangina is not the same thing as a vagina. Parades simply said: “Tuve que cagar.”

For a related piece check out: What Type of Runner Are You

For something entirely random: Never Date a UCSB Athlete