Shounak Dharap:
Every weekend night, hordes of UCSB and SBCC students take to the streets and engage in bacchanalia with reckless abandon. Del Playa is filled with people whose drunken revelry can rival that of Dionysus himself. The haunting siren-like calls of 6-foot tall speakers and the sweet nectar of Nati Light turn these students by day into creatures of the night, frolicking, dancing, and roaming the streets in an ecstatic frenzy. Yet even within this broad grouping lie a few subcategories of Isla Vista partiers. Put down that beer, turn off the music, and enjoy: the eight people you meet on a Friday night.
The Drifter
The Drifter makes up the main section of partiers in Isla Vista. Drifters walk from the 65- block of Del Playa to the 67- block, simply perusing their options for frivolity. These Drifters will attempt to gain entrance to random parties, and more often than not, will be rejected. However, in anticipation of this, The Drifter makes sure to pregame hard before walking the streets in order to ease the pain in both their feet and dignity.
The Satyr
The Satyr (sometimes called The Ludus) is the Isla Vista partier who will, without fail, have sex when drunk. The Satyr is categorically a male in his late teens or early twenties, possessing an above-average libido. In fact, some might even call this unhealthy. However, The Satyr takes great solace in his sexual conquests and prides himself on the ability to continuously get laid. You will often see The Satyr trying to attract the sexual desire of every girl at a party until one is either drunk enough or foolish enough to acquiesce. However for this type of partier, it is quantity that matters, not quality.
The Freshman
The Freshman is painfully easy to spot. The Freshman wanders in large groups, generally approaching from the 65- block of Del Playa (next to the dorms), and tends to go into the first party that lets them in. For The Freshman, any means that gets them alcohol is fair game, and they will stop at nothing to return to the dorms one shot away from alcohol poisoning. For more information on The Freshman, be sure to read The Freshmen Theory: A Quasi-Mathematical List of Conditions for Identifying First-Years.
The Socialite
Unfortunately, The Socialite is a rare breed, hardest to find among first and second- years. The Socialite, while not at all averse to getting drunk, tends to go out for the main purpose of socialization. The Socialite is classy, and will rarely touch the cheap vodka usually designated for The Freshman and The Alcoholic. The Socialite is a dying breed of partier, and is in danger of going extinct in Isla Vista.
The Alcoholic
First of all, let me just say that if you fall into this category, seek help. Alcoholism is in no way funny, with the exception of the following passage:
The Alcoholic starts their weekend on Monday night and drinks till Sunday night. They always have a bottle of whiskey or jager to make the day go down easier, but will profess that they don’t need the alcohol, they just enjoy it. The Alcoholic does not go to parties to socialize or even to just have fun; they go to parties to score as much alcohol as possible. This type of partier is a sad, sad partier indeed, for they besmirch the good intentions of college partying and take binge drinking to an unintended level.
The Black Out
Unlike The Alcoholic, The Black Out does not drink on a daily basis. However, when they do drink, they aim to black out. We have all heard the foolhardy intention “I’m definitely blacking out tonight!” The Black Out intends to unwind from a hard week by not remember their weekend at all. Furthermore, the Black Out generally finds unintended text messages in their outbox, along with a few peculiar voicemails and Facebook messages awaiting them. The Black Out will never remember you if you meet them during the day, but during a party they will be your best friend. However, The Black Out understands that with great inebriation comes great risk, yet they persevere and make it a better night for the rest of us.
The Curb-Sitter
The Curb-Sitter is rarely you or someone you know. You will, however, invariable see them sitting on the curb surrounded by IV Foot Patrol as you walk back from your festivities. These elite partiers are the ones who make the mistake of stumbling at the wrong place and wrong time, carry an open container, or just eye the police the wrong way. One always feels a tinge of pity and sympathy for The Curb-Sitter, but is secretly glad that they themselves were not the ones to foolishly get caught. Incidentally, also under the category of Curb-Sitter are The Two Freshman Girls Who Stumble Home While Constantly Falling Down On The Road.
The Home-Wrecker
The Home-Wrecker is an amiable partier in most aspects. At most times they tend to be The Socialite. However, they always stay away from a certain drink. For The Home-Wrecker I know, that drink is red wine. For many, it is Jager. Whatever the drink is, once The Home-Wrecker takes a sip, hide the glass objects because things are about to break. The Home-Wrecker gets wildly enraged by this specific liquor, and ends up blindly breaking everything and everyone they can get their hands on. It is best to stay out of the Home-Wrecker’s way… or better yet, keep them away from their specific rage-inducing alcohol.
For a related piece check out: What Kind of College Drinker are You
For something entirely random: Isla Vista Bike Personalities – What’s Your Bike Say About You
I am a second year English major living on Del Playa. I love writing and bringing news and entertainment to the denizens of Isla Vista. 
==>Homewrecking Socialite<==