Zak Weinberg:
Whenever I see a jacked dude with a Theta tank longboarding down DP, I almost automatically think wow, what a mega doucher. . . and honestly, everytime there’s a broski wearing these 
I can hardly contain the big *youreadouchbag* sneeze. But I’m ashamed because I’m beginning to understand there’s more to the art of uber-douchebaggery than a snowbro/fratboy rocking a Rockstar and an awkward fitting v-neck. I’ve also learned talking shit on frattys doesn’t make me any cooler – not that being cooler is a possibility. (Don’t believe it? Clearly you’re unfamiliar with my man purse collection, Blue Oyster Cult cut-off tee, and affinity for sending poopy picture messages of my in-the-tube out-of-the-water-bowel-movements to friends and relatives).
Kevin Wetzel, member of ATO, working with underprivledged Asian babies. Clearly, not a douche. Seriously, Kevin is awesome.
While I’ve learned not every fratty is a doucher, there certainly are 5 obvious types of d-bags:
Uber Doucher – This douche is the freshman who finishes a drunken night on DP challenging stops signs and fire hydrants to fights. Generally, this asshole makes his mark by breaking rearview mirrors off parked cars, because parked cars don’t fight back. He’ll puff his chest and talk the big game, but in the end, he’s an impish little shit. A swift uppercut to the kisser should, as Mortal Kombat says, finish him!
Punani Douche: This is the guy who tosses the word pussy around like it’s something he bought in bulk with a membership card. And did he merely just get pussy? Absolutely not, because in the Punani Douche’s mind, pussy is something only to be smashed, drilled, nailed, or scored, preferably while driving a lifted Denali. But in the end, guys and girls alike know the punani douche’s dick is shorter than daddy’s costco card, and if he had the chance, he couldn’t distinguish a vagina from his bff’s asshole. That’s right, cheers, you narcissistic homo.
Broski Ducher: In a wild habitat, the broskidoucher can often be seen pounding beers with Punani Douche. They’re bff’s. The conversation might go like this:
Punani Douche: I fucking nailed 40 pussies tonight in my Denali. It’s lifted.
Broski Doucher: I fucking drilled 4o beers, 23 vodkas and 4 blunts in my Denali tonight. It’s lifted even higher.
Punani Douche: Damn dude. Wanna bone?
The Broski Ducher doesn’t even like the taste of beer. He’s the guy you meet on ChatRoulette who won’t stop talking about bud, booze, or drugs . . . but hey, at least he’s not the masterbating old guy.
Nerdouche: Not all douches fit the stereotype. With that said, this category of douche is extended specifically to the nerdy girl in the front row of my Buddhism class. Bitch, you are collecting so much douche karma by challenging our professor on every point from fortune cookies to the fecundity of Mara. The professor is giving a lecture. While being lectured, your objective is to listen, regardless of your precocious preconceived awareness of the course. If you can’t learn to put your logorrhea on lock, learn to get bitch slapped.
Negadouche: The negadouche is a contortionist with a brilliant ability to twist any situation into a steaming pile of negativity. Christmas? Fuck that shit, more like corporate mythology. Birthday? One day closer to death day. Negadouche hates babies, flowers, fireworks, and America. And the source for all this negativity? Negadouche is a mega virgin, sexually frustrated from years of collecting schmeckle dust. But fear not negadouche, for one day you’ll be courted by Punani Douche, and you’ll forget all about your losing streak with the nihilistic artsy types.
For related articles check out:
UCSB Frats and Sororities – Members of the Pandemic
funny article, but contains a bunch of typos
i know a negadouche. they’re the worst ones
i haven’t even read this and i know it’s good
I loved the Nerdouche section
zak, you pretty much nailed it again, good job!
I took intro to Buddhism last quarter at 8:00 am. Every day, the same few nerdy girls would have the same seats in the front row, even if I got there 5-10 minutes early (which rarely happened). They would not shut the fuck up for five seconds, and the professor seemed to love it because she was the strong feminist type who is sustained by nerdouches. Glad someone else pointed these sick people out.
What about the type of douche (usually a sophomore) that gets into 2 fights per week cause he talks too much shit?
This is a retarded article. It’s tacky, it’s filled with typos, identifies the dbags that we should be least worried about while neglecting to mention the biggest d’s (clearly, the guy who breaks car mirrors should be lined up and shot).
He uses terms like “schmeckle dust” and OVERLY explores, to his own trite despair, the notion that dbags are somehow similar to homosexual people. He earns major douche points for that one. In fact, I’ve never met a douche bag who doesn’t call other guys homo or gay on a habitual basis. Hating babies and America? Can you be anymore cliche? His jokes fall flat.
And it’s NARCISSISTIC not narcistic. Additionally, as he states early on, he has an inflated ego and a disillusion sense of “cool” (in poor taste of course), hence failing to recognize how making fun of narcissistic people presents a paradox.
I followed this article thinking it was going to be well written, funny, and maybe even something new. What a let down. In my book, THIS GUY is a major douche, period. Who let a douche write about douches?
First of all, I stand by my usage of schmeckle dust . . . although my spelling is certainly off, the Jewish audience probably appreciated it. Also, if you think I’m suggesting that gays and douches are anyway similar you’ve misunderstood the point I was trying to make about bro’s who brag about “slamming pussy”. If you take your complaints seriously, I extend to you an offer to write something more entertaining. If, like I assume, you complaints are just a manifestation of what you do between masturbating and playing World of Warcraft, then, break time is over. Now get back to the strokin’ motion and work your way up the ranks of dragons and dweebs.
You’re absolutely right, The Jewish audience probably DID appreciate your mention of schmeckle dust, but I digress.
My issue with your article is that while you try to create a feeling that you are somehow different, you’re really one in the same. People like to feel like they are somehow in the KNOW, someone who’s in on the joke. What you fail to acknowledge is the possibility that you, the author, are indeed a massive pile of warm, corn peppered douche.
More entertaining? Are you kidding me? Your article was more painful to read than watching an episode of American idle. What the fuck are you doing wasting our time with this BULLSHIT. Your delusion that what you have written is in any way a contribution to our entertainment is exactly what makes you the ultimate douche. This sorry attempt to be funny and insightful is excruciating and a waste of our time. It’s not your fault, you just need to recognize when you’re trying too hard to get people to like you. You’re like a juggling clown and your need to be validated is exactly what makes you a narcissistic douche. You’re the guy who posts on facebook every meaningless, unintelligible thought and then constantly check back to see if anyone “liked” or commented. Despicable.
Warcraft? Are you fucking kidding me? Again, you exploit ANOTHER cliche. Dude, you don’t tell jokes, you ARE the joke. Besides, as long as people like me have assholes like you to rip on, masturbation might even seem… obsolete. I’ll throw you a towel when I’m done so you can wipe your face off.
People really do take offense when someone tells them they’re just not funny. Next time you write, remember to take your shit seriously instead of using it as an excuse to feel validated.
OK, seriously, here’s your towel. Better luck next time!
First of all, not that I deal with actual douches on a daily basis, I’m pretty sure warm corn peppered douches don’t exist. You might be confusing pieces of shit – like your self, for something used to cleanse a vagina. Who the fuck would clean their vagina with something corn peppered . . . With that said, you sir are 100% douche. Did you know, I had to take reflections of myself and others in IV, to formulate a general understanding of the douche atmosphere. Unfortunately, I’m disappointed that I left out kids like you!
I will stand by this article untill the bitter end asshole. Like I said before, when you’ve spent the time to type up something worth reading, our viewer are more than willing to take the time to take a steamy shit all over your lack of creativity. Let me make myself more clear in case you haven’t understood:
Write an article yourself, and get shit on. Untill you’ve grown the balls to put yourself on the line, keep coming back, increase our traffic, and afterwords maybe you can go fuck yourself.
Again, weak. Can’t you write ANYTHING without typos??? It’s YOURSELF and it’s either “our viewerS are” or our viewer IS”. And if you’re gonna address someone, WEINBERG, you use something called commas. Fuck you suck!
Ry, its american idol. Douche #6: a guy who calls himself Ry!
Admin, thanks for “writing” this article. I found your guys bickering to be the most entertaining part.
Why dont you guys team up and hate on me. One of you can write and the other will proof read:)
I hate douches. How about the douche who doesn’t know he’s a douche (aka the author). Those are the worst.
smart ass on one side and douche on the other. i don’t know why I read the whole article and commentary. no win, no win.
Greets
Ive been reading along for a while now.
If you want to exchange links let me know.
Hi There
Great post. I will read your posts frequently.
I a blog owner too.
You know, i have to tell you, i really think its good this site and teh insight from everyone who participates.
Ciao