Zak Weinberg:
Thursday, Chancellor Yang issued an important statement regarding his stance on the UC budget cuts, stating, “Due to irreversible damage inflicted upon my relationship with the governor of California, I move my halfhearted support for the campus-wide movement against the UC budget cuts and privatization, to mostly-hearted loyalty.”
The strain between Schwarzenegger and Yang arose at their office in Southern Manhattan, from a dispute regarding a challenged word in a scrabble game. The challenge started when Schwarzenegger, in a fashion characteristic of a moderately capable retarded person, impressively decorated the scrabble board with the word, “Integrity” however misspelled as, “Intehgravy.” Yang, unfamiliar with the term, challenged Schwarzenegger, and vehemently argued,
“Your Austrian birth might not stop you from governing California, but it certainly doesn’t permit you to use the unfamiliar Australian language in a game of scrabble.”
But with the inspiring intelligence of a reputable state Governor, Arnold responded, “No Henry, you buffoon. Ask any state legislator and they’ll tell you Intehgravy is a word, and it means possessing the ordained ability to pursue whatever you want, while ignoring the needs of your constituents.”
Suddenly, Yang remembered he was a proponent of integrity and exercised it regularly with his students and staff at the University of California Santa Barbara, and admitted Arnold’s definition was correct. However Yang, cleverly pointed out the governor mispelled the word.
“I started thinking about the ways I proudly exercised integrity, like deceit, immorality, corruption and greed, and that’s when I realized I could challenge his spelling. I knew he had spelled the word correctly, but Arnold had such a big ego, that a loss to him would compromise the security of my ego. So I officially made the challenge, and called Michael Young and asked him to check a dictionary, knowing damn well Mike doesn’t know how to use a dictionary.” said Yang.
Although the governor admitted he didn’t know how to spell integrity, he still refused to draw back the misspelled word because Yang didn’t petition his challenge before the allotted 1o minutes.
In the governor’s defense, Schwarzenegger did offer an altruistic opportunity to trade Yang’s coveted letter Z for the removal of the misspelled word. Arnold said, “It’s a shame Yang didn’t make the trade. I really would have liked to take the letters off the board, and let Yang have his turn, but with the current policies of the game, and my desperate lack of letters, it was literally impossible.”
As a result Yang is joining forces with the UCSB student worker coalition. Yang said, “I’ve been hesitant to acknowledge the students in the past. I admit, I have been hesitant to even publicly support their struggle, but that’s because it was never my struggle.”
Yang continued, “It’s like the Sisyphean task, and the importance for Sisyphus to roll the boulder up the hill all by himself. After enough hard work, determination, and will, Sisyphus made it all the way to the top! He didn’t need any help. It was his persistent nature that ultimately conquered. This was my vision for the students of UCSB.”
Now, however, Yang is offering his support to the coalition in order to insult Schwarzenegger, “I am excited to work with the coalition, and look forward to offering students my continued custom of responsible integrity.”
While Schwarzenegger was unable for comments, his representative, Nuevo Energy Co, issued the following statement: “Bring it on.”
