By Alex Smith:
A Drunchie is a college term which combines the word “drunk” and “munchie”. It refers to the consumption of food by an intoxicated individual. Generally speaking, one can judge their intoxication level by where and what they choose to eat. For example, if you choose Freebirds or Mexican food, you have reached maximum intoxication. The healthier the food, the less likely it is that you are intoxicated. Check out our list to see what type of drunchie you may be!
Freeb!rds
The freebs eater is generally the classic IV-er who knows what they want and how they want it made. Whether they get the 57lb. nachos or the burrito that looks like a football made out of foil, satisfaction is guaranteed. Often times the freebs eater can be seen consuming their food with their eyes closed. This is a great example of how amazing the food is and how intoxicated most the customers are.
The Woodstocker
This consumer isn’t intoxicated enough to be craving Mexican food, but is just buzzed enough for a good IV pizza. Woodstock eaters will generally get their pizza delivered out of guilt – it’s easier to conceal the fact that you just ordered 2 large BBQ birds, Cinabread, and cheese bread for 2 people at your own place. Woodstockers generally ignore the lava like temperatures of the pizza and dig right in. This leads to numerous spots of melted cheese and toppings stuck to the box. It never fails that by the end of this feast there will be no evidence that a pizza ever existed.
The Pita Piter
The best way to tell if someone is a pita pit amateur or a veteran is whether or not that person is double fisting with their pitas. But even the double dosage of pita doesn’t fill this savage up, which is why they often refer to Pita Pit as their pita pit stop on the way to the real meal.
And yes Pita Pit, your mascot does look like a demented vagina with lettuce protruding from it. Please Fix this problem so I can eat in peace.
Hangover Cure
Bagel Cafe is the mecca for people who consumed vast amounts of alcohol the night before, and is almost biblical in it’s abilities to cure hangovers. Somehow the combination of long lines, an extremely cramped store and a toasted bagel, fixes the groggy fatigue of a hangover in minutes.
YOU ARE NOT allowed to go to Bagel Cafe and eat alone. Period. You can go on a solo mission and get it to go, but you aren’t allowed to eat at a table alone. As the famous IV saying goes, “Friends don’t let friends be loners outside of bagel cafe”.
Eat Your Roommates Food
That’s right – this drunkard did it. They crossed the line of no return and ate their roommate’s food. Alcohol has a very interesting way of impairing your judgment, mysteriously convincing someone the orange juice that says, ” DO NOT TOUCH”, clearly reads, “PLEASE DRINK ALL OF THIS”. This person knows that leftover pizza is their roommate’s, but they just remembered their roommate is spending the night at their friend’s place, which instantly makes the pizza fair game. As they take every bite their mind races with what excuse to come up with upon getting caught, or who they’ll blame when then morning comes around.
Fast Food Adventurer
This eater doesn’t feel like eating the food IV has to offer. They want a jumbo jack, taco nachos, and a 27 piece chicken strip meal. This person is often heard moaning while describing their perfect drunchie, something you might normally hear on a porn set, but that just displays how passionately this person is about their food. This voracious consumer will willingly offer compensation to any designated driver to take them to their destination – that compensation will generally be in the means of a free meal. Upon arrival they suddenly become extremely indecisive, leading to copious amounts of laughter that is generally quantified in shot minutes. Once the laughing has ceased our fast-food drunchie will casually order enough food for a family of 13, never coming close to finishing all of it, but still refusing to share. If someone does ask for share of the feast, the adventurer will reject the offer, and convince the person how much they truly need every last crumb. If they don’t reject the offer, they will often offer the food for a ridiculously inflated price.
