Dick Hurtz brings you Ole Today’s most questionable sex advice yet! Check it out and please send all death threats and hate mail to staff@oletoday.com
Part 1: Hand Job Handies
1) Carry a bag of lube in your purse/Louie Vuitton handbag
Spit smells so bring along some lube if you are going to give a handjob. Pur Wet silicone lube is the best.
2) Use both your hands
Cradle the balls, play with the taint, do anything that’ll make the act more interesting than just rubbing half the shaft up and down. Hell, stick a finger or two up the nether regions if you know what you’re doing, just use both hands while you’re giving a handie.
3) Don’t stop for any reason, even if your wrist is getting tired.
I recommend getting some wrist-straps to ease any soreness you get while rubbing cock. It may take a while for your man to get off, so be prepared for the worst (playing with him for over an hour).
4) Take it on your face
Nothing is sexier than letting a guy pretend he’s in a porno.
5) Don’t complain
If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. When you feel like saying you’re bored, let out a moan.
6) Moan
Moan. Never stop.
7) Make out
If you’re not moaning, initiate making out.
Do it fast
Handjobs are a race. Try to get your man off as fast as possible, then try to break that record.
9) Don’t play with the top too much
It makes us want to pee.
10) Give handjobs in public.
It’s a lot more fun to get a handjob while there are a lot of people around. Do this in front of your hottest girlfriends. Get them involved to increase his pleasure and solidify your place as his girlfriend, forever.
Part 2: The Dangers of Anal Sex
Did you know ninety percent of people die from anal sex?
1) The asshole you’re penetrating could be too small, therefore squishing your dick into nothingness and killing you (if you kill the dick, you kill the man). Check to make sure your partner has a giant asshole before making the plunge. If this is your partner’s first time, go to the porn store, buy a black dildo and stretch out her asshole.
2) Make sure your partner knows your are going to put your dick in her ass. Nothing is worse than getting punched in the face by the woman you love. (In reality, you’re supposed to put it in her ass without asking. No girl in her right mind will let you fuck her ass. You have to show her it’s OK. I recommend doing it while she’s sleeping, drowsy, drunk or a little high on NyQuil).
3) You will get stuck like two wolves and die. Make sure you have lube and a crowbar if this happens.
4) Anal sex is addicting. Prepare to attend some Sexaholics Anonymous meetings if you embark on the Chocolate Starfish Enterprise. Past that, you will probably end up fucking butt until you pass out and die from exhaustion.
5) Lastly, your girlfriend will die of embarrassment if you pull out and see shit on your dick. You love her, so why would you want to put her through that?
Dick Hurtz was born to a family of wolverines in 1902.
After killing his father and climbing the ranks of his family, he set sail for America. Once there, he heard of a right-wing radical group called Oletoday which was recruiting new members. Dick joined Oletoday and became accustom to their revolutionary ways.
Dick is convinced, no matter what, Oletoday gives him ultimate power. 
Awkward.
Sexist and racist!
you’re awkward! it’s not sexist/racist, it’s informative
suck it
I’m not offended, this is just so random.
this isn’t very accurate. entertaining though
Honestly, the site could have done without this entirely.
this article licks bag
Hi There
Nice writing style.
Great site post.
refreshing and very informative. Me wish there were more blogs like it. Anyway, Me felt it was about time Me posted, I
Me have a website aswell.
Buh Bye
Nice writing style.
Cu
Its not actually my practice to post comments, but you thought you would say that this was outstanding.
Welcome
Way cool stuff, will have to try it. By teh way, down load link does not work. Can you please help? gracias
Very interesting posts and well written.
Buh Bye
Whats Up
Every one on internet searches for ubercool content. Its very unfortunate with most of the websites published posts that are boring and out of context articles, just to show that new material is being published. Contrary to that immoral practice, this article is a ubercool-written article.
yours truly have a website aswell.