By Shounak Dharap:
Anyone who has finished a year in college knows the first year is a time of transition. It is a time of learning, a time of self-discovery, and a time of hard work. Oh, and partying. Who among us has never seen the gaggles of giggling freshman girls walking Del Playa, or the swaggering schools of semi-suave (but much too young looking) wannabe tough guys? Freshmen: you’re easy to spot. Consider the following a guide on how to recognize freshman. Whether you are a freshman looking to mask that embarrassing fact, or an older Del Playa resident looking to throw water balloons at them, here it is: 4 ways to spot freshmen.
The Antelope Property
Like the not-so-majestic prey of the Serengeti, freshmen travel in herds. On any weekend night in Isla Vista, herds of these abundant and fearful mammals can be seen grazing their way towards Del Playa. One sure-fire indicator of Freshmanism is the size of the group. The Antelope Theory states that if there is a monogender group of more than five people, or a mixed gender group of more than seven, the members of the group are freshmen. So if you freshmen want to try and act a little less like freshmen, try splitting your group up.
The Vodka Paradigm
Unlike the rest of us, freshmen have yet to understand the importance of pacing. While we display impeccable time management skills in the act of inebriation, freshmen will sprint all out, taking shots in lieu of beer. The Vodka Paradigm states that while all freshmen do not get drunk by 10 pm, all persons appearing to be inebriated within 2.5 hours after sunset are freshmen or alcoholics who should seek help. So freshmen: pace yourselves when you drink. Try switching to beer, or at the very least, don’t take 10 shots of vodka as soon as it hits 8:30.
The Paris-Hawaii-Great Wall Postulate
While the rest of us have become accustomed to life in Isla Vista, freshmen still find it a novel community. They meander about, confusing Trigo with Sabado Tarde, and asking questions like “Where’s IV Deli Mart?” Oh freshman. Here’s the thing. You act like a bunch of tourists. Just last night, I heard a freshman girl say “Where’s DP?” Where did I hear this? On Del Playa. Like camera-toting, shorts and t-shirt-wearing balding men and women in the throes of their mid-life crises, freshmen wander about, asking for directions and gazing in awe at common sights like the Pirate and the Marley House. They just look out of place. The Paris-Hawaii-Great Wall Postulate states that a person who asks for directions to a party, says “Del Playa” instead of “DP” in casual conversation, or carries alcohol with them around Isla Vista is a freshman. Saying “Isla Vista” instead of “IV” is a direct corollary to the aforementioned postulate. Freshmen: Avoid being touristy. Even if it takes extensive Google Maps research in the privacy of your room or practicing saying “DP” in front of a mirror, don’t let yourself be categorized by the Paris-Hawaii-Great Wall Postulate.
The Freebirds Hypothesis
By your second year in Isla Vista, you know how to manage your finances and general gastrointestinal health well enough that you regulate how often you eat at the local establishments. Freshman don’t have this harshly gained knowledge. The Freebirds Hypothesis is simple. It states that any person purchasing food from Freebirds on a weekday before 10 pm is a freshman. Freshman: Freebirds is the best when you’re drunk; so don’t cheapen it by eating it for any other meal than the midnight drunchies.
Of course, there are exceptions in every rule, so you cannot look at any singular condition to identify a freshman. Therefore, The Freshman Theory states that in order to be classified as a freshman, the subject in question must meet at least 2 out of the 4 preceding conditions.
Way to go.Nice way to welcome newcomers. Unless you were born in IV an upperclassmen, you were the same way. How soon people forget where thay came from. Usually the people that think they have some obscure, esoteric knowledge about anything, don’t know shit. People don’t generally reveal secrets to pompous assholes.
Hey douche
Guess what. We know youre a freshman. Watch out. It may be February but you got a big ole water balloon headed to your face.
Att Freshman:
Don’t fall prey to the “divide and conquer” mentality. Stay with your group and be damn proud to be a freshman.
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