Ali Cutler:
You see him on the other side of the fence, shirt off and sweat running down the crack of his back. He looks like he could protect you from all those loser guys that hang around on Del Playa who don’t even attend this school and haven’t for fifteen years. “This guy,” you think, “is my next boyfriend. He is a UCSB athlete. That is all I have ever wanted. Picture it now, getting interviewed on The Morning Show, traveling the world to watch his games…”
Stop that stream of consciousness before you set sail into day dream oblivion. Stop it immediately. This is not your next boyfriend. In fact, this is not even your next friend who is a boy. I will tell you why: this boy is, and will remain to be until his mid thirties, the antichrist of love.
Male athletes and especially male athletes on the major UCSB teams (cough soccer cough) are a no-go. I am only saying this to protect you—the female population living in Isla Vista. They may look as picturesque as Edward Cullen, but imagine an Edward Cullen with an enormous ego and an oppositely sized genital endowment who will suck your blood dry and then leave at the first sight of twilight. The reasons why their pride could fill a gold mine include:
a) Girls have been drooling over their athletic talents since pre-pubescent times.
b) They regularly attend weightlifting which makes them believe they have rippling back muscles.
c) They think that because they attain record attendance at games, girls will imminently want to suck their dicks.
And for some girls out there, this may be true. But I am urging you not to be this girl, because although this true love may last for around three days, it is not worth it. Yes, you are right in thinking that his Spartan physique and (I will hand it to him) sex appeal give him all the social ins of a Santa Barbara celebrity: connections to all the best nightclubs downtown, best bud status with the coolest partiers in Isla Vista, and a sure charm that will win your mom over in a heartbeat and possibly have her entangled in a soon-to-be divorce with your father. However, the degradation of getting cheated on right after you have left their house and the blissful pain of realizing you could have maybe been a professional athlete’s wife is far too painful to accept the role as an athlete’s girlfriend.
Footballers’ Wives may look like a good time, and it probably is all glam in the beginning. But once the initial flattery wears off, all these women are left with is a man who doesn’t look as slammin’ as he once did with a whole lot more baggage. However, my advice is also dependent. If you manage to find an athlete who claims to not like drinking, has above a 3.0 GPA, and doesn’t wake up for his 6am to immediately stare in the mirror at his Adonis-like body, then you may have just scored an athlete who will make a good mate. If however your athlete has none of these qualities, run away . . . preferrably not in the way of Rob Gym or Harder Stadium.
I shot an arrow into the air
and where it landed, I know not where
but when I heard a lady grunt
I knew it hit her...in the elbow 
jersey chasers will always be, just that. chasers. great article! keep ‘em coming!
haha keep these “ugly truth” articles coming!! wellll articulated & entertaining
Word on the street is you dated an athlete or two? Don’t be so bitter..
well i am an athlete here at ucsb and my girlfriend and i have been together for nearly 5 years now. granted i run cross country so i dont get girls throwing themselves at me like the soccer players do. either way i liked the article.
Thanks for this
information
If so, feel free to email me. thx.
Very interesting posts and well written.
Laters
Greets
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Bye
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Cu Soon
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Laters
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Welcome
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Cu
Hows It Going
Very good video Lisa.
Added you to da RSS reader
Goodbye