Alex Smith and Zak Weinberg:
There is a perfect combination of stardom and drugs that results in eternal fame. Unfortunately, that combination is known as overdosing. There are endless celebrities who have snorted, drank, and needled their way towards this pinnacle of fame, and fortunately for you, Ole Today has outlined a list of celebrities who flirt the closest to a deadly overdose:
1. Amy Winehouse
For years, this drug riddled skeleton has tormented people with her addictions. Amy, when they tried to make you go to rehab, but you said no, they should have dragged you by that nappy-ass-marge-simpson-hair and forced you to go. But it’s understandable: if my hair looked like someone was hiding an animal covered in feces on top of my head, I’d probably do drugs too. So please, take your terrible music, your sores, and that damn hair and inject just a little too much of that heroin the next time around.
2. Lindsay Lohan
No amount of cocaine or alcohol is going to get rid of that pale skin and those damn freckles. I understand being an actress of your caliber must be demanding, but . . . wait, actually I can’t think of one decent movie you’ve ever done. Parent trap? negative. Oh, Mean Girls? I don’t think so. I understand being born with red hair really sucks. I know you tried the whole “I’m a redhead, so I’ll dye my hair black” thing. But we all know how well that worked out. So let me tell you the solution, and no it doesn’t mean showing your snatch to the paparazzi: if you mix a ton of cocaine with a bottle of Jack Daniel’s and chase that with some xanax, all your problems will go away.
3. Steve-O
Who craves fame more than this guy? Check out his drunken fight on the late night Adam Carolla show:
4. Animal from the Muppets
This coked out rock star drummer made it big and severed all connections with reality. Whether it’s plowing Ms. Piggy on a late night blow session, doing sexual favors for Sweedish Chef in return for hash brownies, or getting plastered and pissing on Beaker, Animal’s drug habits contribute to rocky off-set relationships between the Muppet crew. Jim Henson, voice and founder of The Muppets, stated before his death, “Animal is becoming increasingly problematic. He threw up in Oscar’s temporary trash-can home – we’re working on getting him a trailer, shit in Big Bird’s nest, and introduced Snuffleupagus to cocaine.” While many characters are settling down to enjoy time with their families or discuss retirement, Animal is pursuing other endeavors. Rumors suggest Animal signed a million dollar deal with VH1 for a show called, “A Shot at Bestiality,” and is currently working on a sex tape with Dora the Explorer.
5. Ozzy Osbourne
From pissing on the Alamo to pissing off Peta by pounding baby chicks to a pulply puree on stage, Ozzy is the most infamous living drug addict of his time. With a beautiful and steady command of the English language, sounding nothing like a recovering stroke victim, reliable news source FOX Industries reports Ozzy Osbourne will co-host next year’s New Year Bash with none other than Dick Clark! (Sorry, Dick. But on the bright side, even your stroke riddled, 08-09 performance will always outshine that douche-bag Secreast).
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Yes! Animal!
zak weinberg is gonna be the next star to overdose
i thoroughly agree with your observations. i think we can all safely agree that Courtney Love may be another one that has gotta go….
Although I find your article to be witty and amusing, I felt like you were truly serious about how Amy Winehouse and Lindsay Lohan should die. Is it really neccessary to wish actual death on someone you’ve never even come in physical contact with? Please don’t get me wrong, this article was hilarious and I don’t know anyone who isn’t sick of seeing or hearing about Amy on television. But if you’re sincere about the hopeful death of these people maybe you should overdose on some of your negative and bitchy, eighth grade, celebrity fixated trash talk that goes too far.