How to Sleep Like a Coma Patient

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Published: September 27, 2009Posted in: HealthTags:
How to Sleep Like a Coma Patient

By Zak Weinberg:
Having trouble sleeping in IV? With round the clock parties, drunken pirates and hobos, and mountains of stress due to the sudden absence of your go-to cheating partner, it’s not unusual to miss out on much needed shut eye. Fortunately, Ole Today compiled such an amazing tip list, you’ll be on your way to sleep perfection in no time! Move over Terri Shiavo, there’s a new kid in town!

(Feeding tube and other life support equipment not included).

1. It’s important to develop a consistent sleep schedule. Trying to knock out at 10PM, 3AM, then 5PM, all in one week, tricks the body. In other words, it’s easier to fall asleep if your body is prepared and condition for sleep.

2. Write. People who have trouble falling asleep due to stress might benefit from “tabling” their problems. Keep a journal or to due list, and write down concerns, troubles, and stresses. This method temporarily stores stress outside of the mind, making it easier focus on achieving coma-like sleep.

3. Earplugs. It’s IV. There’s going to be drunk people who play RockBand at 3AM. There’s going to be people rummaging through the trash at 5AM. And on a personal note, my roommate is going to randomly speak in tongues during the night . . . (maybe he’s possessed by a Christian extremist . . . Sarah Palin, please give me back my roommate.)

Now you can pray for these things to go away, or, like a hardcore pragmatist, you can drop .50 cents on some foam earplugs.

4. Over the last century, the television is responsible for lulling to sleep an entire nation, and for this reason, we recommend TV as the quickest route to a vegetative coma. At this juncture in history, there are only records of 3.5 people staying awake through an entire episode of late night with Jimmy Fallon. And if Terri Shiavo sleep is what your truly after, catch an episode of LOST . . . (WARNING there are several cases of people gouging out their own eyes due to LOST, please watch at your own risk).

5. Milk. No, not the Academy Award Winner featuring Sean Penn, but Milk, the stuff from cow boobies, loaded with tryptophan, the same amino acid found in turkey. After a glass of warm milk, sleep should become less of a struggle.

6. A diet rich in carbohydrates and sugars without proper exercise, is comparable to Tom Cruise on a coked out Scientology binge. Try exercising during the day to no only burn off excess calories, but create muscular micro-tears. During the night, your body will beg for sleep in order to rebuild and refuel.

For more health related reading check out 3 Reasons Why Pot Should Stay Illegal

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