By Alex Smith:
“Billy Mays here with another fantastic product!”
That’s how the world’s greatest pitchman started his commercials. It turns out Oxyclean may not have been his favorite white powder. The late Billy May’s toxicology report was released today and cocaine was listed as one of the drugs found in his system.
I’m not sure how America missed the overt clues pointing towards May’s addiction.
All signs were obvious. First, May’s love for cleaning was outrageous! (I remember an occasion when my grandma accidentally took cocaine and cleaned the entire house for 13 hours straight.)
But a love for cleaning was not the only indicator of Big Bill’s addiction. The way May’s constantly screamed like a boot camp drill instructor, bullying viewers into purchasing the Hercules Hook, clearly illustrates an addict on edge.
Finally, another common side affect of cocaine use is the loss of appetite, and not once did May’s sell a food product!
It was right in front of our faces the entire time. Who comes up with an idea to haul a big rig with a chain link made out of putty? Brilliant conceptions like these could only come from someone high on cocaine.
I don’t want anyone to think my opinion of Big Bill has changed. Quite the opposite actually. His tragic death provides insight to countless unanswered questions:
Why was May’s always sweating regardless of the product he was selling, or the place he was selling it? And why did he just smash his hand with that giant hammer? Did he really just let that car run his arm over? The answer rests deep in May’s nasal passage . . . cocaine.
I blame the people of America for the death of Billy May’s. Had just one person, just a single individual, simply invented the Intervention in a Box, and had Big Bill pitched it, he may still be here today.
(On a serious note, it’s rumored Billy May’s had an undiagnosed heart condition. According to the coroner, cocaine use exacerbated May’s condition, eventually leading to heart failure. Regardless of cocaine use, Heart disease is the number one cause of death in the United States.)
If you have an opinion leave it in the comment section to the right!
lolerskates at this article.
Wow, an uninspired piece written by someone who is obviously only marginally educated. The sentence structure of this piece is so choppy it is indicative of the writing of fifth-graders. I would suppose that only folks of lower intelligence could really enjoy this type of “op-ed.” I have no opinion of Billy Mays either way, but the writing here is quite scary, really. Of course, who knows how old the author is, he could be a fifth or sixth-grader. I guess for our general population, this thin and shallow style is probably more of a sensible read anyhow, since so many people, even those who finish high school, usually can’t even spell many words correctly. Most do not even know the proper usage of words like “too,” instead they use “to.” I could give a hundred examples, but it just makes me sad to think of the virtual illiteracy in our nation…
From reading your comment, your education level seems to surpass “marginal” by prodigious levels. We’d like to present you with an award:
In honor of Olé Today’s most educated user, we are infinitely grateful to present this award to Kcitymo!
We also appreciate the fake email you used to write your comment.
Hope to hear from you soon! (Maybe this time you’ll transcend cowardliness and provide a legitimate email so we can privately address your concern).
Wow is right kcitymo! Get a grip, you seem more concerned with the packaging or gramattical characteristics of the article rather than the informaton being provided. How truly sad for you that you need to resort to juvenile attacks such as you have on “op-ed” articles such as this to augment what are obvious short comings on your part. Take it for what it’s intention is, an opinion, entertainment.
Get a life.
I miss Billy
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Whats Up
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